Loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can feel like navigating a complex emotional landscape. You witness their intense emotions, fear of abandonment, and struggles with self-identity. While it can be challenging, your support can make a significant difference in their journey toward stability and healing. Understanding how to support someone with borderline personality disorder is crucial for both their well-being and your own.
BPD is a mental health condition marked by difficulties with emotion regulation. This can lead to severe mood swings, impulsivity, and unstable relationships. For those also battling substance abuse, these challenges are often amplified, creating a cycle that feels impossible to break. At Ritual Recovery in Asheville, NC, we specialize in treating co-occurring disorders, helping individuals heal from both addiction and BPD in a supportive, integrated environment. This guide will provide practical strategies for supporting a loved one with BPD, from improving communication to encouraging professional help.
How to Support Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder – Using Effective Communication
One of the most powerful tools you have is effective communication. People with BPD often have a heightened sensitivity to rejection and criticism, so how you say something can be just as important as what you say.
Communication Strategies
- Listen Actively and Validate Feelings: Validation is not the same as agreement. It’s about acknowledging that their feelings are real to them.1 Simple phrases like, “It sounds like you’re feeling really hurt right now,” or “I can see why you would feel that way,” can de-escalate a tense situation. It shows you’re listening without judgment.
- Use “I” Statements: Frame your concerns from your own perspective to avoid sounding accusatory. Instead of saying, “You always overreact,” try, “I feel overwhelmed when there is a lot of shouting.” Research shows using “I” statements can help reduce blame, accusations, and defensiveness.2 This focuses on your feelings and the specific behavior, rather than making a generalization about their character.
- Be Clear and Consistent: Ambiguity can be very distressing for someone with BPD. Be as clear and predictable as possible in your communication and actions. If you make a promise, do your best to keep it. If plans change, communicate that as clearly and as soon as you can.
Setting Boundaries While Offering Support
Boundaries are not about punishment; they are about self-preservation and creating a healthy, respectful relationship. Boundaries are so critical, even primary and mental health care providers acknowledge boundary setting with patients with BPD when initiating care.3 Knowing how to support someone with borderline personality disorder means knowing how to also prioritize your own mental and emotional health.
- Define Your Limits: Be clear about what behaviors you will and will not accept. For example, you might say, “I am here to listen and support you, but I will not tolerate being yelled at. If that happens, I will need to end the conversation and we can talk later when we’re both calm.”
- Enforce Boundaries Gently but Firmly: Sticking to your boundaries is key. It provides a sense of safety and predictability for your loved one, even if they react negatively at first. Consistency helps them learn what to expect from you.
- Prioritize Self-Care: You cannot pour from an empty cup. Supporting someone with a serious mental illness can be draining. Make sure you are taking time for yourself, engaging in hobbies you enjoy, and seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist of your own.
The Importance of Professional Help and Therapy
While your support is invaluable, it is not a substitute for professional treatment. BPD is a complex condition that requires specialized therapeutic approaches. When substance abuse is also a factor, integrated professional care is not just beneficial—it’s essential for long-term recovery.
Long-Term Treatment for BPD
Effective treatment for BPD helps individuals learn skills to manage their emotions, reduce impulsivity, and improve their relationships. The most well-researched and effective therapy for BPD is Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). DBT focuses on four key areas:4
- Mindfulness: Learning to be present in the moment and observe thoughts and feelings without judgment.
- Distress Tolerance: Developing skills to cope with painful emotions and navigate crises without making the situation worse.
- Emotion Regulation: Understanding and reducing vulnerability to intense emotions and managing them when they occur.
- Interpersonal Effectiveness: Learning how to assert needs, set boundaries, and maintain self-respect in relationships.
When BPD co-occurs with addiction, treatment must address both conditions simultaneously. Attempting to treat one without the other is often ineffective, as the symptoms of each can trigger and worsen the other. A person might use substances to cope with emotional turmoil from BPD, and substance abuse can increase emotional dysregulation and impulsive behaviors.
Hope and Healing are Within Reach
Supporting a loved one with BPD is a journey of patience, learning, and love. By communicating effectively, setting healthy boundaries, and encouraging professional help, you can be a powerful force for positive change in their life. Remember to care for yourself along the way, as your well-being is just as important.
If your loved one in the Asheville, NC, area is struggling with BPD and substance abuse, help is available. Ritual Recovery offers a full continuum of care, including Partial Hospitalization (PHP), Intensive Outpatient (IOP), and Outpatient (OP) programs. We also provide telehealth options and sober living to ensure comprehensive, wrap-around support. Our integrated approach treats both addiction and underlying mental health conditions, paving the way for lasting recovery. Call us today at 866-530-5836 and take the first step toward a healthier future.
Frequently Asked Questions
What are the main symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder?
The main symptoms of BPD revolve around emotional instability and difficulties in relationships. Key signs include an intense fear of abandonment, a pattern of unstable and intense personal relationships, a distorted and unstable self-image, impulsive and often dangerous behaviors (like reckless driving or substance abuse), self-harming behavior, extreme emotional swings, chronic feelings of emptiness, inappropriate and intense anger, and stress-related paranoia or dissociation.
Can someone with BPD have a normal, healthy relationship?
Yes, absolutely. With effective treatment and a strong support system, individuals with BPD can learn skills to manage their symptoms and build healthy, stable relationships. Therapies like Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) are highly effective in teaching emotion regulation and interpersonal skills. It takes work from both the individual with BPD and their loved ones, but lasting, fulfilling relationships are entirely possible.
How can I help a loved one with BPD during an emotional crisis?
During a crisis, the most important thing is to remain as calm and grounded as possible. Listen to them without judgment and validate their feelings by saying things like, “I hear how much pain you’re in.” Avoid trying to “fix” the problem or giving unsolicited advice. Instead, focus on helping them get through the moment. You can encourage them to use distress tolerance skills they may have learned in therapy, like deep breathing or splashing cold water on their face. If you are concerned for their immediate safety or your own, do not hesitate to contact emergency services.
What is the difference between BPD and Bipolar Disorder?
While both BPD and bipolar disorder involve mood instability, the patterns are different. Bipolar disorder is characterized by distinct episodes of depression and mania (or hypomania) that can last for weeks or months. In contrast, the mood swings in BPD are much more rapid, often shifting within a few hours or minutes, and are typically triggered by interpersonal events or stressors. An accurate diagnosis from a mental health professional is essential to ensure the correct treatment.
Why does substance abuse so often co-occur with BPD?
Substance abuse is very common among individuals with BPD, largely because of the core symptom of emotional dysregulation. People with BPD experience emotions with great intensity, and they may turn to drugs or alcohol as a way to numb this emotional pain or cope with feelings of emptiness. The impulsivity associated with BPD also makes them more prone to risky behaviors, including substance use. Treating both conditions at the same time in an integrated program is crucial for recovery.
